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BEYOND EXPECTATIONS

Scene 1

(Clarence prays from behind closed curtains.)

Clarence: God, give me strength. Today, I set out to do something I have always prayed to you for.   Today, I shall ask my beloved to marry me. God, in your perfect heaven, look upon me with favour, so that I have strength to do what I intend to. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost – Amen.

(Scene opens to park setting. Clarence and Rachel are sitting there.)

Clarence: Rachel (Gets down on one knee)

Rachel: What are you doing Clarence?

Clarence: Rachel, will you marry me?

Rachel (After being stunned for awhile) : Yes, I will, Clarence, I will!!

(The couple dance. They walk to center stage after dance finishes.)

Clarence: This was meant to be, Rachel. I can feel it! We were meant to be together. It was fate. Destiny. Kismet. Whatever way you put it. We were meant to be!

Rachel: yes, Clarence. I can feel it too. We are going to be the perfect couple. I can see our future unfolding before us.

Clarence: I am willing to bet on my life that this is what heaven feels like!

(Just then a tough looking character walks in. He immediately spots Clarence and Rachel)

Tough Guy: You! You're the idiot shacking up with my buddy's girl! YOU – DIE – NOW!!!!

(Before Clarence can do anything, gunshot is heard from tough guy's gun, produced from out of thin air)

(Clarence is still lying at the spot he had died. Dance sequence)

End of Scene

 Scene 2

(Clarence is still lying at the spot he had died. Dance sequence)

(Clarence s still lying at the same spot on the stage. A gate appears behind his resting place, with a guy in a black suit waiting there)

(Clarence gets up)

Clarence: Groan! What did that buffalo have against me, anyway? (Looks around him in surprise) Hey, where am I????

Man in black suit: Welcome! We've been expecting you! (Does an evil laugh)

Clarence: Hey, who are you? And where in heaven am I?

Man in black suit: You just said it, so why ask? We're in heaven, you see.

(Bryan Adam's "Heaven", from the singer at the corner of the stage)

Clarence: Who was that?

Man in black suit: You ask too many questions, lad! You'll find this singer everywhere in heaven. Starts a song at the drop of a hat, if you say a word which he can find in a song. ( Singer starts singing "heaven" again) Stop it, will ya, you did that once already. Let me a get a word in sometimes….IF YOU DON'T MIND!

Singer: Sheesh! Okay, already, just doing my job!

Man in black suit: Well, as for who I am, remember St Peter? The dude who greets you peeps at the gates of hell….I mean Heaven! That's me, see?

Clarence: Dude, why are you in black? Aren't you supposed to be, like, righteous and all?

St Peter: You ask wayyyyy too many questions! Go in already!

(Shoves Clarence inside the gates)

St Peter: What a pain!

(Clarence looks around in wonder. Heaven isn't quite what he expected)

Clarence: Dude, this thing is, like, totally unexpected! Who thought heaven would be like this! I mean, everyone dressed in black, psycho guitarists and singers everywhere! Even the angels look like bouncers, man! Where am I? Heaven or some new pub?

(Man with long hair comes to him)

Clarence: Who're you?

Man: 'Pon my word, laddie, I was hearing your words there, and I thought, here's one lad who's got his head screwed on right in this place. Name's John Lennon, lad!

Clarence: THE John Lennon! Great to meet you, sir! Can you IMAGINE heaven's like this?

(Singer starts singing Lennon's Imagine)

Lennon: Cut that out, will ya, Frank! You're singin my song there, lad!

Singer: Sorry! Just doing my job!

Lennon: Well then, what are you known by in these parts, laddie?

Clarence: My name's Clarence, sir!

Lennon: You don't have to go all formal on me, Clarence me lad! Cut out that sir bit!

Clarence: Yes, si….I mean, John!

Lennon: So how did u get here, lad? What happened to you?

Clarence: It's a heartbreaking story. I had finally proposed to the girl I love, and then a big gorilla comes and shoots me. But I'll find a way back somehow.

Lennon: Hmm. I have no doubt that you will do that, Clarence lad! Come on, I'll give ya the 50 cent tour!

(Singer – In Da Club)

Lennon: Aah, crap! That 50 Cent again!

(Angel approaches)

Gabriel: Not that fast John. The big man wants to see you, Clarence.

Clarence: Big man? He means God doesn't he, John?

Lennon: Yeah, the big guy always gives ya a hearin on your first day. Kinda like meeting the Principal, you know?

(Singer – We Don't Need No Education!)

Clarence: Okay, I'll be right back!

Lennon: You do that, Clarence lad!

End of Scene

Scene 3

(A setting not much unlike a Principal's office comes on)

God: Yes, Clarence, come in. I've been expecting you!

Clarence: Yes, sir

God: Now listen to me, worm! In this place, I am the king, dig? You do not do as YOU want, you do as I want! You, sir, will join the other maggots in adoring me 8 times a day for your first 2 months….And then, you MIGHT be exempted from adoration for a while! You don't, and it's the boiler room and solitary confinement for you! If I find word of you misbehaving, you WILL suffer! (Does evil laugh) And trust me, I know how to make you regret ever coming here. Yes, my precious…..We wills do that, won't we, my precious (strokes the teddy bear on his lap).

Clarence: What's that, sir?

God: Huh! Outrage, get out of my office, you worm! Out before I skin you!

(Clarence runs for his life)

(Angel confronts him)

Gabriel: I've heard from the big guy you've been givin him problems! I warn you maggot, don't try our patience!

Clarence: One might think I'm living in a ghetto! I've been bullied ever since I've come here!

Gabriel: How dare you! Protesting, eh? I know what to do with you! I'll put you in with the tough guys! You'll be singing a different tune after that!

(Group of tough guys walk in)

Tough Guy 1: Is this the smart guy you've been talking about, boss?

Gabriel: You know what to do! (winks) I'd love to stay, but the sight of savagery kinda disgusts me, you know!

Scene ends with Angel's Evil Laugh

Scene 4

(Lights are off)

Gabriel: I better go see how the guys are doing with Clarence.

(Lights come on)

(Anxiously walks away. Finds tough guys and Clarence dancing away to "I Like to Party)

Gabriel: What???? What's going on?

Clarence: Can you imagine these gorillas can't dance!!! I've been teaching them! Pretty cool, eh?

(Lennon walks in)

Lennon: Hey, that sounds like fun! Can I join?

Clarence: Sure! Come on in John!

Gabriel: Idiots! Get out before I skin you alive!!!!!!!!!!

(Tough guys run like hell)

Gabriel: Now, you! (points at Clarence) You've been here for less than a day, and you've already caused so much trouble!!!!!

Lennon: Hey stop being such a sourpuss, will ya! Clarence lad's finally brought some fun into this place!

Gabriel: This place is not for having fun! This place is for idiots who have done nothing but good in their lives, so that we may show them how wrong they were in being so stupid in their inconsequential lives! YOU DO NOT COME HERE TO HAVE FUN! YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT WHEN YOU WERE ON EARTH, YOU FOOLS!

Clarence: That's not fair! Then why are all these singers and guitarists here?

Gabriel: That's different! That's only for God and his special guests. See, the one thing that God isn't completely irritated with the world is Music. He's glad that you stupid creations are at least good musicians. After all, even God has to enjoy sometimes!

Clarence: I still think it's not fair!

Gabriel: Live with it, maggot! You ain't ever going back to earth, where it is fair!

ANNOUNCEMENT: ALL ANGELS REPORT TO GOD'S BOARDROOM! EMERGENCY MEETING OF ANGELS, NOW!

Gabriel: I'll be back, baby!

End of Scene

Scene 5

(God is really frustrated about something. He's going around in circles, and muttering away. The Angels are gathered behind him, and hanging their heads)

God: The Information technology is irrefutable….there can be no error….it is more likely that George Bush will cease to be a monkey than our machine be wrong…. Which of you idiots said all these!

Angel: It was Gabriel, sir!

Gabriel: Sir, what happened, anyway?

God: You idiots made a mistake. Instead of giving the Tough Guy Lawrence's name, you told him Clarence's!!!! He went and shot the wrong guy!!!!!!

(Angels gasp in horror)

Gabriel: What do we do now, boss? We're in a soup now!!!

God: Bring that Clarence here!

Gabriel: I'll go boss! I've been handling him all this while!

(Lennon and Clarence are in conversation when Gabriel comes in)

Lennon: Oi, You've come back, have you?

Gabriel: Clarence, come with me. The boss wants to see you!

Lennon: He's coming back, aren't ya, lad?

Gabriel: Why don't you come along, John, if you're so interested?

Lennon: Anything to get away from the bore of this place!

(Gabriel, Clarence and Lennon enter God's boardroom)

God: Lennon, why are you here?

Lennon: Just came to see the fun, pops!

God: Don't call me that!!!!!

Clarence: Why are we here, anyway?

God: Clarence, my boy……you see, there's been a mistake!

Clarence (incredulously): A mistake? You mean you people made a mistake! Nyah nyah nyah nyah, God made a mistake!

God: Shut up!! Shut Up before I permanently seal that fat lip of yours!

Clarence: Sheesh! What a grouch!

God (making an effort to smile): You see, I'm surrounded by these morons who went and got you here instead of the one they had to get!

Lennon: Say what? You screwed up???

God: Yes! And you know too much about what's going on in this place! If you keep silent when we return you to earth, I'll…………..

Clarence: Go on, I can't wait to hear this!

God: I'll keep you as a special guest when you next come here! The full VIP treatment! You won't have to take orders from any of us!

Clarence: And Lennon, too?

God: John Lennon will be part of it too! Whaddya say? You'll be quiet, won't you?

Clarence: All right, I'll do your dirty work!

God: Thank you my boy! You won't regret this!

Clarence: Ohh, and one more thing – when I return, I want to be a movie star!

God: GNGNGNGN! ALRIGHT! Just leave us, already!

Clarence: Well, I guess this is it, John!

Lennon: You were a fun lad here boy! Don't take too long in coming back!

Clarence: Don't worry John, everything will be jus fine!

(All heaven characters come back on when Clarence is leaving)

All: Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, hey hey hey, Goodbye!

 End of Scene

Scene 6

(Clarence is transported to the place he was just before proposing to Rachel. Finds Rachel in merry conversation with the same Tough Guy who shot him in despair)

(Clarence takes out a knife. Kills himself)

(John Lennon comes on. With guitarist strumming with him, he starts speaking)

Lennon: Sad thing about that Clarence lad. He takes all that trouble to come back to earth, and finds that his very reason for coming back has given her heart to someone else. Well, that's how it always is. It's kinda like driving a car, at peace with yourself, and a truck appears out of nowhere, and WHAMMO! You're dead. Life's not always quite what you expect, but you gotta take a step and hope for the best!

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

I hope you had the time of your life.

I hope you had the time of your life."