WITHIN

5 minutes to 1 o’clock early morning, wicked hour. A time when the working man sleeps, the maniac stays awake, hunched before the table, tearing his hair, looking for words. Words to crack open the pandora’s box of emotions locked within. I look at the clock.

It is late. Very late. And I am wide awake. Thankfully. Some unlucky soul might be right in the middle of a nightmare trying hard to figure out what it is all about. Lucky myself in one of my seven heavens reminiscing the events of the day, a remarkable day at that. It is too dark outside but the silver moon, Mama Moon, is right up there bright and shining as cheerful as my heart. Nothing can hurt me tonight, not even the sorry howl of the night sentinels in the distance. Neither the cold wind rushing through my hairs and embalming me up.

 People say things happen in life for a reason. But I say things just happen in life, reason or no reason, leaving behind deep impressions. They just happen spontaneously, some filling up those empty spaces with everything that means much more than happiness, others leaving a void never to be filled up again. And for me, most things happen just for the heck of it, and most happenings remain unexplained. My feelings at the moment, for instance. Déjà vu, euphoria, nostalgia – jumbled up together packaged in a neat wrapping of happiness.

 Where does one begin? With the woman? The woman who has been in my life for almost a year and and yet managed to remain unseen  till some six hours back? Ah! It is really hard to believe, I know. But then again, “there are more things in heaven and earth..” and all that jazz might seem appropriate now.

It all started over a coffee. And as I look back and tread my mind down the memory lane I really wonder where we took off on this rendezvous, which I call virtual convergence. I still remember my opening line when I met this lady online “Can I get you some coffee?” Oh yeah! We met up on the net and that is how it all started. Honestly, that is how we came to know each other and gained this closeness we are share now. And the odds weigh against us, especially me.

 So, we met online and exchanged a few vibes on the messenger. And somehow all of a sudden things began to happen. I would wait up for her to come online and we would talk for hours but still would yearn for more time together. I profess no knowledge of her side of the story, true, but myself – I was besotted. Perhaps it was different for her.

 So we talked day in and day out and after a series of online gigs we exchanged telephone numbers. She told me that she would call me up when I get back home. I was in my grad school those days, far away from home; she was working with some stock broking firm.

And the calls started coming and going. I think I was the one who first punched those 7 digits. A series of rings and then “Welcome to K...............” I could hear the computerized machine asking me to dial the extension number. Two more punches and a few more rings and.. I cannot very well remember how long it did ring before she picked up the receiver. And boy! Did I feel my heart skip a beat when the voice ran through my ears up to the networked nodes of my brains, making it churn all of a sudden and causing a big overload on the nerves that ultimately jammed and the old heart skipped a beat trying to cope up with the excitement and there was a sudden change in the ambience inside this skinny caricature.

 We exchanged voices for the first time.

 And that was one moment, which I cherish and will forever for all the seconds, all the minutes, all the hours and all the days to come. Hardcore romantics would say, “I am going to cherish them far beyond death or far beyond time.” I wish I could say that. But I have not experienced death as yet and find it hard to believe that people do really think and remember even after the finis.

So that was how it began. That was how our singing began.  She sang for me on the phone the whole night through and we talked for almost 4 hours. She sang one nice peppy song and that was her favorite, I believe. Ah! That number by Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams 

“Started over the coffee

         Started out as friends.......”

broke my heart.

 Things went on really well for a while – us venturing more and more into the depths of this unknown reality. Unknown, and sinister, too. For heartbreak lurked.

 But that was later.

 That was after I had already lost out once on time, love and life. All three at the same moment. After my world had crumbled to dust – leaving me too weak to pick up the pieces. After I found solace in that voice singing calmness into my life, rendering a peaceful shoulder to rest my weight on, putting out the fire of agony that was burning me up within. Someone who said “your mind is where your heart is” with what seemed like passion rising from within. Someone who was always there whenever I wanted her to be. How could I not love her? The better-left unspoken words came tumbling out of my inner self and flowed freely. The wishes of the heart came on the lips and in joyous relief there was a moisture gathering up in the eyes. I told her that I love her. It is really weird, I believe. An online love, for god’s sake! But it rang true to me then, and it still does now. May be the situations of the moment moulded it this way. Or may be not. I am not sure but one thing I am sure of is that somehow I realized she is the one I had been searching for years. Ah, destiny. She seemed shocked and surprised when she heard those magic words from me. She even thought it was all a rebound of the love I lost. I proclaimed otherwise but she would not believe. And suddenly a rift opened up between us, much to my surprise. I was still the same old glib with her but she seemed to have changed a bit. May be she tried to create a distance for the best. I remain unsure of her side of the story.

And I never tried to convince her.

I went on a self denial spree.

Ah, that is not all. The show went on.

In came the knight in shining armour - some rival entity - galloping down 3000 miles on a noble steed way past a silent, peaceful stretch of grassy road through the greens where the two lovelorn, lovesick courted each other and someone then rushed off the road with a shriek of surprise. Myself, of course.

The sudden appearance of the man somewhat subdued my intensity as I tried to believe her to be better off with him than me. But how could someone in love believe in so harsh a truth? She would remain within my shadows, try as I would to chase her away. I would talk to a girl and would feel as if I was talking to her. She was always there on my mind and my life started getting miserable. Perhaps I was methodically insane. I moved into the same city where she works. But I did not try to reach her – self denial. Rather, I never tried to meet her; I used to call her up quite often and talk at stretch for me being a glib talker. And deep within, desire burned. I told myself that if we were ever to meet then we surely would someday.

But that was till today, eight hours back.

Eight hours back I was at Barista’s, a cup of coffee in hand, my umpteenth cigarette rooted to my lips when this little lady came up to me and asked “You looking for someone?” Of course I was. For her. We had decided on a meeting in the evening and I was waiting for her.

 And there she stood. Right there in front of me. Destiny, destiny, I could hug thee!!

 We sat down over some cold refreshers and we talked as if we had known each other forever.

Ah, life.... she reminded me of the love I lost. That receding hairline, a bit broad forehead, rather too thin eyebrows and those little thin shapely lips – so much of resemblance. And I admit that the resemblances somehow intensified my emotions again.

So we had coffee and a nice time. I wonder whether she really did have a nice time. I was still wondering when time flew away and the moment for goodbyes arrived. We bade farewell for the day and she left. And I headed back for my place.

I walked for sometime under the moonlight with the wind on my face bringing me warm linger of the times spent in warmth, that sweet brevity we shared sometime back. And when I closed my eyes for a while I could capture those moments vivid and clear and the rustling breeze sang her voice to me as I walked my way back home all alone under the moonlight. Then, on an impulse I stopped and turned back to see if she was there and all I found was a vast expanse of emptiness, a measure to be filled, a life to be lived, a memory to be treasured.

I was in love, once again.

Or was I?

To me love is still as vague as the world is to a baby who has just started opening his eyes to it. It is something too much for me grasp, something very clear yet veiled by dark clouds, something that spreads beyond, far beyond what the mortal eyes can see, far beyond what the mortal heart can feel.

Love is the forbidden fruit, a dangerous irresistible pastime.

I have plucked the fruit, and now I must wait.